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October 21, 2011
October 16, 2011
Cheers
You will always be with me,
You will always be with me in my mind,
You will always be with me in my mind and heart,
You will always be with me in my mind and heart and my deepest soul.
And I promise you, if anything happens to you there, just call me. And I'll come running to you. Either to save your live, or let my life be taken away. I'll do it for you sayang.
Selamat Malam You.
Jangan pergi jauh lagi dari ni,
Dah tak tahan jiwa menahan siksa.
Sent by Maxis from my BlackBerry® smartphone
September 13, 2011
nukilan #notetoself
aku sebenarnye bukan nak cakap pasal Dora, aku nak cerita pasal kau, aku, dia dan segala. Kau tahu siapa kau. Dan kalau kau terasa bahawa aku melekehkan kau, kau simpanlah dalam dada, bahawa satu hari nanti, kau akan perasan, kenapa aku kata kau begini.
Kau orang biasa. Bukan dari keluarga berharta. Bukan juga dari keluarga kurang upaya. Kau cantik, namun tak cukup menarik. Kau bijak, tapi tak cukup menggerak. Kau bercakap seolah olah kau bukan dari kelompok yang sama. Kau mungkin nampak dah berubah, tapi hakikatnya, kau masih DIA yang sama. Kau masih bermain dalam lumpur bila ada peluang. Kau masih bercakap dengan binatang bila ditegur. Kau masih ulang perkara bangang. Kau masih perhati punggung mereka mereka yang bingung.
Tapi kau sedaya upaya, sorok dari biji mata aku bahawa kau masih terjangkit. Kau lari dari hakikat, bahawa aku kenal kau, bukan saja dari lipatan kain pelikat, malah dari dalam tulang belikat. Kau tunjuk seolah olah kau bukan mereka. Tapi bila aku ada, kau buat buat tiada. Bila aku tiada, kau bergelak suka. Bukan aku tak nampak, bukan aku buta kayu. Masih masuk dalam minda setiap apa yang kau kata. Bukan jauh dimata, bukan juga jauh dari kerdipan minda yang nyata.
Sayang, kau berubahlah. Kau hentikan segala dusta gegak gempita yang kau sebarkan pada mereka. Tukar diri kau, supaya mereka masih terima.
p/s: kan dah bagitahu dulu, bab intro memang failed. -_-"
Sent by Maxis from my BlackBerry® smartphone
September 12, 2011
API
Kerana setiap saat, minit, jam, hari, minggu, bulan, tahun yang berlalu. Kau masih dalam ingatan, Kau masih dalam igauan. Kau melekat dalam jiwa. Kau kusimpan dalam dada. Biar koyak raga menjanda. Biar bengkak hati merindu. Biar tenat perasaan melanda. Biar matahari membakar, biar terbakar diri, biar kebakaran menjilat muka. Aku sudah tiada harga dalam mimpi mahupun nyata.
Aku perlu kau, walau sudah jauh kau pergi, takkan aku berhenti mencari. Selamat Ulangtahun Sayang, biar doaku temankan perjalanan kau disisi sesiapa sahaja yang kau pilih.
Sent by Maxis from my BlackBerry® smartphone
July 13, 2011
policies, #bahaha
“The view expressed on this blog are mine alone and do not reflect the views of my employer.”
Thanks,
Gina Jawahir Mat Jan,
As fucked up as I’ve been,
At least I’m still standing,
Proud and gay.
~peace~
April 14, 2011
Jika
Aku tak punya masa menerjah setiap satu komen yang kau post di foto atau status orang.
Aku tak punya masa meng-google nama kau untuk cari apa apa perkembangan kau.
Aku tak punya masa memikirkan kau sepanjang masa.
Aku tak punya hati lagi untuk kau lukai.
Aku tak punya hati lagi untuk mencari kau.
Aku tak punya hati lagi untuk jerkah setiap satu rakan kau.
Aku tak punya hati lagi untuk mencinta walau sesiapa.
Aku sudah punah musnah.
Aku sudah hancur berderai.
Aku sudah hilang darjat.
Aku sudah mati kekeringan.
Jangan tanya jika aku masih disini.
Jangan tanya jika aku masih mampu berdiri seperti dahulu.
Jangan tanya jika aku masih terus menanti bak pungguk.
Jangan tanya jika aku masih lagi milik kau.
Saat indah aku telah berakhir.
Saat indah kita telah tamat.
Saat indah berdua telah terpadam.
Saat indah bersama telah pecah.
Maafkan aku kawan.
Maafkan aku sayang.
Maafkan aku sahabat.
Maafkan aku cinta.
Mungkin ini akhirnya.
Selamat bahagia.
Andai ia berulang,
Sila jangan gagal lagi.
Ikhlas atau tidak?
Itu biar tuhan tentukan.
Sent by Maxis from my BlackBerry® smartphone
April 11, 2011
indah dihatiku, sampah dijiwamu.
Aku tali putih, kau tali ungu.
Satu masa, kau tumpahkan keunguan kau padaku.
Jiwa aku pecah belah masa itu.
Namun aku tak terdaya berbuat apa.
Maka tercalitlah keunguan kau dijiwaku.
Aku sang rerama, kau si malaikat.
Aku si kecil yang terbang melata.
Kau separuh tuhan bisa menyengat.
Aku bahagia sentiasa.
Sehingga kau langgar tabrak sakit jiwaku.
Aku mengeluh lembut tiada daya.
Aku bagi kau adalah sekeping cela di dunia.
Tak mengindahkan selalu diendahkan.
Aku tiada kelebihan namun menawan.
Kau lihat, minat, kutip, lalu dibelai.
Bila bosan, kau campak ke tanah.
Hingga pecah jiwa muda remaja.
Aku ciptakan kau lirik indah mendayu.
Kerana bagi aku kau seindah lagu.
Tiada bahasa bisa menggantikan cahayamu.
Sungguh aku terkesima dan terganggu.
Hatiku jatuh hancur rabak terkoyak.
Namun kau biarkan tanpa sehela nafas kecewa.
Jangan sampai satu masa,
Aku cabut nyawaku sendiri,
Dengan tangan yang selama ini membelai,
Dengan jiwa yang selama ini berkecai,
Dan hati yang selama ini aku simpan,
Supaya kau bisa tersenyum manis,
Melihat indahnya sang alam,
Tanpa kelibat cacat derhaka seperti aku.
Aku tahu itu yang kau mahu.
Aku tahu itu kemahuanmu.
Aku tahu kau mahukan sebegitu.
Kerna dapat aku lihat,
Dari celahan mata terlipat,
Diriku sudah tiada nikmat,
Dihatimu,
Dijiwamu,
Dinyawamu,
Malah disisimu.
Maafkan aku sayang,
Aku bukan seperti apa yang kau fikir,
Aku bukan seperti apa yang orang lihat.
Aku cuma sehelai nyawa,
Yang bisa terbang dihembus nafasmu,
Aku cuma sekeping jiwa,
Yang hanya mampu beratkan mindamu,
Aku cuma secebis dusta,
Yang kau sumbat ditelingamu.
Moga kau bahagia tanpaku.
-Nur Jawahir Mat Jan-
-sang pencinta tanpa sempadan-
Sent by Maxis from my BlackBerry® smartphone
April 10, 2011
Fortnight
30March2011, I missed you. but hell I can't call you every night, that would make me look like a slut.
31March2011, I called you at 1.21am but u didn't pick up, maybe u were busy, I just wanted to tell you I got the job.
1April2011, I was so damn tired and so damn mad with Aishah, I forgot to call you. And yes I'm so sorry. Really.
2April2011, I went back to Seremban and I didn't call you because I hate you for not picking up my previous call.
3April2011, I called you twice. First at 12.42am and secondly on 3.10am. I wanted to tell you that I fucking miss you.
4April2011, I went to college and found out that a few of my best buddies are a bunch of dickhead. And I forgot to call you.
5April2011, I called you at 12.07am, to tell you about my new job and how much I love it. I wanted to give you my office number.
6April2011, I started losing hope with you. Yes, I really do. But that was the heart speaking.
7Aprill2011, I called someone else because I seriously need to talk to someone.
8April2011, I spent the whole night thinking about you. I cried so hard because I don't know what's gonna happen.
9April2011, I tweeted some random stuff about you coz I miss you so much.
10April2011, I called u at 1.29am, but yet you didn't pick up. I just want to tell you these;
"Wherever you are, I know you are very much alive. Whatever you are doing, I know there is something wrong with our relationship. Whoever you have turn to be, I know that deep inside you are still my man.
No matter what happen in the future, please know that I will always be here. If you stumble down, please know that I'm here and I'll help you up. If you get so high, please know that I'm here and I'll push u up higher. If you still on the same track, please know that if you need anything, please know that I'm here and I'll be glad to help.
And tonight, I just wanted to hold your hands and tell you, I love you. I love you so much I can cry a thousand tissues away. I miss you so much my spine hurts. I need you here so bad coz I need u to fill this empty hole in my heart.
Please."
Thanks sweetheart.
Thanks friend.
Thanks lover.
Thanks, you.
IMYMR.
Sent by Maxis from my BlackBerry® smartphone
April 1, 2011
April Fool
Family aku terdiri dari seorang ayah yang cool, muka sentiasa tenang, berjiwa kental. Emak yang garang, tegas, banyak motivasi. dan empat lagi ahli keluarga 2 kakak dan 2 abang.
Kawasan perumahan aku cumalah taman perumahan biasa, ada melayu india cina dan beberapa bangsa lain. Hidup kami harmoni tanpa sebarang permasalahan yang mungkin membawa peperangan.
Sekolah rendah aku cuma sekolah kerajaan biasa. Tidak ada kelebihan malah juga tak ada apa apa kekurangan. Sekolah biasa kanak kanak muda yang baru nak menjejak kaki ke dunia.
Sekolah menengah agama. Dari tingkatan satu hingga empat. Namun aku bukan hasil terbaik dari kalangan ciptaan sekolah agama. Nothing fancy I usually say.
Kolej pertama, kolej antarabangsa. Ada nigerian, ada chinese, ada japanese. Aku cuma seorang student melayu yang cuma go with the flow dan berkawan sekadar teman biasa.
Kolej kedua, kolej semi-kerajaan. Tidak ada yang perlu dibanggakan tentang kolej tersebut. Kolej biasa dengan pihak atasan yang seperti lembu ditarik hidung. Aku tak pernah bangga.
Kerja pertama sebagai kuli batak di syarikat sang cina hartawan. Syarikat pelancongan yang hanya dikunjungi rata rata golongan atasan. Aku bahagia dengan rakan disana, tapi benci dengan orang atasan yang kaki kipas tanpa batasan.
di mana letaknya konfiden yang orang selalu perkatakan? kalau aku ada sifat yakin diri yang tinggi, pasti aku bukan begini. Jangan kau ujar, aku hebat. kerana tak ada maknanya aku hebat. Aku cuma sorang makhluk Allah yang syukur dengan segala pemberian tuhan.
Saat aku perlu pergi, jangan kau tarik tangan aku lagi.
Saat aku masih disini, jangan kau halau aku pergi.
Saat aku masih sayang, aku akan tunggu disini.
Saat kau milikku, kau akan terus aku sayangi.
Saat kau punah musnah, aku ambil kau jadi milikku.
Ketahuilah, segala apa yang aku lakukan, aku lakukan untuk kau.
Selamat malam sayang.
P/s: happy april fool everyone. Tajuk xde kena mengena isi, intro xde ken mengena dgn endtro.
Sent by Maxis from my BlackBerry® smartphone
March 31, 2011
Wishful Thinking
Go to hell with fairy godmother.
Go to hell with plan further.
Go to hell with great motivation.
I shall pray for those who failed.
I shall grief for those who suffer.
I shall say sorry to those I hurt.
I shall surrender to those who conquer.
For I am not a lord,
For I am not an angel.
For I am not a perfectionist.
For I am not a minister.
I'm a normal human being with salts on my wound.
I'm a fucking bitch who suck cocks and balls.
I'm a freaking loser who kick peoples ass.
I'm a lone ranger with burdens on my shoulder.
Thanks for making me feel like this.
Sent by Maxis from my BlackBerry® smartphone
March 29, 2011
Silver Lining
Who the fuck invent silver lining?
Why the fuck is everyone hoping for a silver lining?
When the fuck does silver lining come and save your ass?
Where the fuck can you find your silver lining?
How the fuck that you believed in silver lining?
Silver lining is just an idiom, a metaphor so that you never look down and fall. It is just another fucking words to screw your life. It is just another reason for you to do thing on your own fucking way and regret it afterwards. Don't you notice that?
You don't need silver lining. Silver lining is just another bullshit to make you calm down and stop the hell of your rants. Silver lining is just another piece of crap to make you smile and keep on hoping. And hope is just another bullshit!
Stop ranting and do something to make you happy. Don't wait for silver lining to come. Because obviously, this silver lining shit is taking me away from you.
Just so you know, your life is made of pure gold and platinum.
Be careful for what you wish for, coz you might just get it.
I'm here for you friend. Just stop bullshitting.
(-_-")
Sent by Maxis from my BlackBerry® smartphone
March 20, 2011
Pendirian
Aku suka meletakkan segala macam benda dalam blog ini. Dan sejujurnya aku tak perlu follower, aku berblog untuk kemudahan diri. Supaya satu masa, segala jin ifrit dan syaitan nirrojim dalam hati tak mencalarkan iman yang semakin menipis. Bukan niat aku nak menghalau follower aku. Tapi sejujurnya, andai tak ada orang baca blog ni pun aku tak sedih. Niat aku berblog adalah kerana diary aku selalu di-pecah-baca oleh emak. Kalau disini kebarangkalian untuk emak jumpa adalah sangat rendah.
Ya, blog saya adalah umpama diary yang saya tulis saban hari untuk cerita tentang hidup saya. Malah kadang kala saya post juga foto foto terbaru bagi mencantikkan permukaan blog yang sudah sedia cantik. Saya pelacur kamera, malahan saya pelacur dimana saja. Pelacur attensi di twitter. Malah pelacur masa di faceboob. Saya juga pelacur minda di dunia. Juga pelacur hati bagi si dia yang saya cinta.
Jangan fikir setiap langkah kecil saya tidak membawa saya kehadapan. Kadang kala langkah kecil lebih membawa makna dari langkah sebesar alam. Namun masih ditakuk lama. Saya mungkin humble, tapi saya bukan serendah tanah. Saya mungkin cakap lebat, tapi saya bukan sekeji pembohong. Saya tiada masalah andai anda mahu cerobohi masa silam saya. Cuma mungkin anda patut terus terang dengan saya. Saya akan cerita semua kisah silam saya samada baik mahupun buruk.
Anda tak percaya? Sila.
Sent by Maxis from my BlackBerry® smartphone
March 9, 2011
It is not a business
You know who you are. Don't shed your tears if you saw me lying on the floor, breathless, lifeless. Because this is how you left me some years ago.
Great knowledge comes from a great mind. And great mind like mine is just a pathetic excuse to pretend like I know what you had in mind. Some says I don't need you to live my life. My heart says that all I need is you to tell me that my life is screwed and crooked and there is nothing that I could have change just to make sure that everything will fall on its place.
You know who you are. Don't shed your tears if you saw me lying on the floor, breathless, lifeless. Because this is how you left me some years ago.
I have a life that I thought is a happy life. A happy, independent life. But like always, my mind is just creating a gateway to get away from this whole mind fucking problems and this cock sucker. It was suppose to be a kick start to something new. It was suppose to be a great challenge for people like me, a loser who knelt down before a great majesty. Don't throw me that shit because you know one day, I'll do the same thing to you. I am no beauty, but I have dignity.
You know who you are. Don't shed your tears if you saw me lying on the floor, breathless, lifeless. Because this is how you left me some years ago.
Bring me to the horizon, I want to pee on the wall, and kills some bastards while I'm gone.
P/S: I miss you.
Sent by Maxis from my BlackBerry® smartphone
March 2, 2011
Lost in the Subway
I simply don't get the easiness to lose one simple thought, but it was really hard to find a new less simple thought.
I need my lust back. Lust for writing. Anyone knows where can I get it?
P/S: don't ask bout the title. I'm away for a while.
Sent by Maxis from my BlackBerry® smartphone
March 1, 2011
February 23, 2011
Think Loudly
Bukan semua orang kewl depan kau, kewl juga depan aku.
Bukan semua ilmu berguna di otak kau, berguna juga di otak aku.
Bukan semua zarah indah di mata kau, indah juga di mata aku.
Bukan semua perkara yang kau faham, aku faham juga.
Conclude easily after tinjau meninjau,
Sila jangan judge aku sesuka hati kau.
Kalau aku di facebook seorang fake, what make you think aku di twitter juga seorang fake?
Kalau di luar rumah aku hambar, what make you think dalam bilik juga aku hambar?
Kalau dalam blog ini aku banyak bercerita, what make you think dalam dunia sebenar juga aku banyak bercerita?
Kalau indah kata kata aku di hati kau, what make you think kata kata ku indah juga di hati orang lain?
Kalau sakit jiwa kau melihat aku, what make you think orang lain juga sakit jiwa melihat aku?
Don't judge a book by it's cover,
Don't judge my look by my twitter.
Ada pokok berbunga namun tak berbuah.
Ada pokok berbuah walau tak berbunga.
Ada pokok tiada buah mahupun bunga.
Ada pokok berbunga dan berbuah segala.
Ada aku tiada jiwa malah tiada apa apa.
Jangan harap apa apa dari aku,
Kerana aku tak bisa beri apa kau mahu.
Jangan pergi jauh dariku,
Kerna aku masih pingin kamu.
Jangan buat aku hilang segala macam perasaan,
Kerana saat itu kau takkan bisa cari kebiasaan.
P/S:
Maaf andai aku buat kau pening,
Entri ini memang pesen #doublemeaning.
Fuck you.
Sent by Maxis from my BlackBerry® smartphone
February 20, 2011
Expectation
That is why, everytime I'm going to see someone, I told them to take a look at my photos in Facebook. I'm a fat girl with nothing cute to offer to people, especially men (unless sex maniac who is into BBW). Yes, I am a fat girl weighing almost 100kg and I'm proud to be me. I don't live to satisfy someone else's expectation. You expect beautiful lady, please woo them and stay out of my field. You got me brah?
I had been through thousands of real world blind date. Yes, some may turns good, yet some turns really bad. But I don't give a damn. You like me, please say so. And if you don't like me, please say so TOO. Don't compare me to some beautiful fun lady with almost everyone as a friend. I don't mind if you shoo me off on the first meet. You can kick my ass and say "fuck off girl" on the first time, but don't kick my ass and shoo me away after having the best time of your life.
Get it?
That's it, please give me some space. A fat lady is coming through your way. BEWARE, I may look blunt, but the reality sucks, so my SHARPness may haunt you for the rest of your life. After all, aren't I 'the' LOVELYKNIFE you all have in your heart?
*peace out*
Sent by Maxis from my BlackBerry® smartphone
February 18, 2011
Life As We Know It
EVERYTHING.
And yet,
As the most incredible man,
He didn't tell me,
That he lost his dad Thursday last week.
And now, I am such a terrible friend.
P/S: Al-Fatihah for you uncle. Thanks for letting your son be my bestest friend ever.
Sent by Maxis from my BlackBerry® smartphone
February 17, 2011
Brute
Please spare my soul.
Don't be so brutal.
Thank you.
IMY...
Sent by Maxis from my BlackBerry® smartphone
February 15, 2011
Ilham
Think out of the box is not really my stuff. My mind is in one box, and yet I haven't find a way out from that damn box. But there is something that I don't know. I'm not sure whether that box is small or so wide it could fit the entire world in it. Yes, I'm not sure myself. Sometimes the box is so small I couldn't find the answer to one simple question. Sometimes I could answer a question that no one could ever think of answering. Yup, this damn box in my head is flexible. Unfortunately not flexible in a good way.
Sometimes when I keep on looking for answers, the answers is actually just at the wall of the box. I just couldn't reach the answer. If you are wondering why do I always use the words 'sometimes', it's my tagline. SOMETIMES LOVELY ISN'T EVERYTHING. Because nothing is consistent. Nothing stays at the same shape. Nothing stays constant. Don't you agree?
Why am I writing this? This one is a draft from last night chaos. I couldn't sleep the entire night. I dozed off at about 5.30am maybe. What did I do? I don't know. It's something I couldn't find a word to describe. It's so funny how I did something but I didn't know the name, the title, or the subject. But what I'm sure of, the thing that I do last night was everything a human being would avoid doing. Sleepless and fucking tired. No sweety, I didn't go to that concert you forbid me from going. It's just a chaos night. And please confide me.
And this is how I get my ilham. This is how the idea came rolling to the center of the box and went straight to this damn blog.
Will Lucifer win this fight? Ask Michael. Probably he knows. But what I'm sure of, I am currently at Lucifer's side.
P/S: I deleted few (read: hundreds) friends from facebook. If you're reading this and is not a contact from facebook, please re-add. ;)
Sent by Maxis from my BlackBerry® smartphone
February 14, 2011
Loud and Clear
Love, can you hear my heart beats?
Baby, can you hear me whisper?
Sis, can you hear my voice?
Brah, can you hear my brain ranting?
Mom, can you hear my words?
Dude, can you thrust my pussy?
Happy Vagina Day all, or should I say, Happy Virgin Day.
Hopefully I'm not wrong,
I love you dude!
Peace out,
P/S: I'm away from my life. Currently in some dude's life. ;)
Sent by Maxis from my BlackBerry® smartphone
February 12, 2011
Good lord
i am a droid sent by human beings to crash your life. now please handle me your life or i'll pull that life cord from your soul.
okay, that's a joke.
well, you see. i'm not much of a joker. i don't joke much and I failed each and every time I try to make people laugh.
but that doesn't mean i suck in making people feel happy about their lives. i always give good advice, and i always care for the person that i love.
so please, just once, please make me feel useful in this world. please make me realize how easy it is to be accepted. i don't give a damn about how, all i want is a chance.
just one last chance on my one last breath.
please....
Sent by Maxis from my BlackBerry® smartphone
February 7, 2011
The strength
"Aku kan kuat, kau tak payah risau"
"Kau ingat aku ni pondan ke nak nangis nangis?"
"Setakat putus cinta, tak goyang pon iman aku ni"
"Persetankan je perasaan down tu, apa kau dapat kalau kau down macam tu?"
dan setiap kali aku berkata begitu, pasti terselit sebatang rokok di celahan jari telunjuk and ibu jari aku. ye, kalau aku risau/sedih/kecewa/down atau apa sahaja perasaan yang serba tak kena, aku akan pegang rokok dengan dua jari tersebut. ini rahsia aku, sila jangan bagitahu orang lain.
aku memang pernah sekuat itu (i used to be that strong). sebab dulu aku ada rokok, rokok je satu satunya perkara yang dapat bakar perasaan serba tak kena dari jiwa aku. sekarang aku dah berhenti merokok. last aku hisap rokok adalah pada awal januari yang lalu. itu adalah waktu yang sangat lama bagi aku yang mula merokok dari tahun 2002 lagi.
ya, aku dah 8 tahun merokok. cliche kan? dengan imej bertudung aku. ahhh, persetankan semua perasaan serba tak faham kau tu. meh aku simplekan dalam satu ayat, aku bekas perokok tegar yang memakai tudung atas dasar islam. kau tak percaya? terpulang.
berbalik kepada tajuk asal, the strength. i no longer have that strength. i am now a squid (lembik). and this feeling will surely bring me down. but yet i don't care a bit. i am pretty sure that somebody will take me up. someday. just someday.
smile baby for me, coz i can no longer smile for you.
*FUCK*
Sent by Maxis from my BlackBerry® smartphone