Jika

Aku tak punya masa perhati setiap gerak geri dan perbuatan kau di Facebook.
Aku tak punya masa menerjah setiap satu komen yang kau post di foto atau status orang.
Aku tak punya masa meng-google nama kau untuk cari apa apa perkembangan kau.
Aku tak punya masa memikirkan kau sepanjang masa.

Aku tak punya hati lagi untuk kau lukai.
Aku tak punya hati lagi untuk mencari kau.
Aku tak punya hati lagi untuk jerkah setiap satu rakan kau.
Aku tak punya hati lagi untuk mencinta walau sesiapa.

Aku sudah punah musnah.
Aku sudah hancur berderai.
Aku sudah hilang darjat.
Aku sudah mati kekeringan.

Jangan tanya jika aku masih disini.
Jangan tanya jika aku masih mampu berdiri seperti dahulu.
Jangan tanya jika aku masih terus menanti bak pungguk.
Jangan tanya jika aku masih lagi milik kau.

Saat indah aku telah berakhir.
Saat indah kita telah tamat.
Saat indah berdua telah terpadam.
Saat indah bersama telah pecah.

Maafkan aku kawan.
Maafkan aku sayang.
Maafkan aku sahabat.
Maafkan aku cinta.

Mungkin ini akhirnya.
Selamat bahagia.
Andai ia berulang,
Sila jangan gagal lagi.

Ikhlas atau tidak?
Itu biar tuhan tentukan.

Sent by Maxis from my BlackBerry® smartphone

indah dihatiku, sampah dijiwamu.

Aku dan kau bagai ikatan dua tali.
Aku tali putih, kau tali ungu.
Satu masa, kau tumpahkan keunguan kau padaku.
Jiwa aku pecah belah masa itu.
Namun aku tak terdaya berbuat apa.
Maka tercalitlah keunguan kau dijiwaku.

Aku sang rerama, kau si malaikat.
Aku si kecil yang terbang melata.
Kau separuh tuhan bisa menyengat.
Aku bahagia sentiasa.
Sehingga kau langgar tabrak sakit jiwaku.
Aku mengeluh lembut tiada daya.

Aku bagi kau adalah sekeping cela di dunia.
Tak mengindahkan selalu diendahkan.
Aku tiada kelebihan namun menawan.
Kau lihat, minat, kutip, lalu dibelai.
Bila bosan, kau campak ke tanah.
Hingga pecah jiwa muda remaja.

Aku ciptakan kau lirik indah mendayu.
Kerana bagi aku kau seindah lagu.
Tiada bahasa bisa menggantikan cahayamu.
Sungguh aku terkesima dan terganggu.
Hatiku jatuh hancur rabak terkoyak.
Namun kau biarkan tanpa sehela nafas kecewa.

Jangan sampai satu masa,
Aku cabut nyawaku sendiri,
Dengan tangan yang selama ini membelai,
Dengan jiwa yang selama ini berkecai,
Dan hati yang selama ini aku simpan,
Supaya kau bisa tersenyum manis,
Melihat indahnya sang alam,
Tanpa kelibat cacat derhaka seperti aku.

Aku tahu itu yang kau mahu.
Aku tahu itu kemahuanmu.
Aku tahu kau mahukan sebegitu.
Kerna dapat aku lihat,
Dari celahan mata terlipat,
Diriku sudah tiada nikmat,
Dihatimu,
Dijiwamu,
Dinyawamu,
Malah disisimu.

Maafkan aku sayang,
Aku bukan seperti apa yang kau fikir,
Aku bukan seperti apa yang orang lihat.
Aku cuma sehelai nyawa,
Yang bisa terbang dihembus nafasmu,
Aku cuma sekeping jiwa,
Yang hanya mampu beratkan mindamu,
Aku cuma secebis dusta,
Yang kau sumbat ditelingamu.

Moga kau bahagia tanpaku.

-Nur Jawahir Mat Jan-
-sang pencinta tanpa sempadan-

Sent by Maxis from my BlackBerry® smartphone

Fortnight

29March2011, 1minute and 19seconds is hell. and it is very much affecting my life.

30March2011, I missed you. but hell I can't call you every night, that would make me look like a slut.

31March2011, I called you at 1.21am but u didn't pick up, maybe u were busy, I just wanted to tell you I got the job.

1April2011, I was so damn tired and so damn mad with Aishah, I forgot to call you. And yes I'm so sorry. Really.

2April2011, I went back to Seremban and I didn't call you because I hate you for not picking up my previous call.

3April2011, I called you twice. First at 12.42am and secondly on 3.10am. I wanted to tell you that I fucking miss you.

4April2011, I went to college and found out that a few of my best buddies are a bunch of dickhead. And I forgot to call you.

5April2011, I called you at 12.07am, to tell you about my new job and how much I love it. I wanted to give you my office number.

6April2011, I started losing hope with you. Yes, I really do. But that was the heart speaking.

7Aprill2011, I called someone else because I seriously need to talk to someone.

8April2011, I spent the whole night thinking about you. I cried so hard because I don't know what's gonna happen.

9April2011, I tweeted some random stuff about you coz I miss you so much.

10April2011, I called u at 1.29am, but yet you didn't pick up. I just want to tell you these;

"Wherever you are, I know you are very much alive. Whatever you are doing, I know there is something wrong with our relationship. Whoever you have turn to be, I know that deep inside you are still my man.

No matter what happen in the future, please know that I will always be here. If you stumble down, please know that I'm here and I'll help you up. If you get so high, please know that I'm here and I'll push u up higher. If you still on the same track, please know that if you need anything, please know that I'm here and I'll be glad to help.

And tonight, I just wanted to hold your hands and tell you, I love you. I love you so much I can cry a thousand tissues away. I miss you so much my spine hurts. I need you here so bad coz I need u to fill this empty hole in my heart.

Please."

Thanks sweetheart.

Thanks friend.

Thanks lover.

Thanks, you.

IMYMR.

Sent by Maxis from my BlackBerry® smartphone

April Fool

I was born in a strict typical Malaysian family. Dibesarkan di kawasan normal manusia biasa. Disekolah-rendah-kan di sekolah kebangsaan normal tanpa jenis. Disekolah-menengah-kan di sekolah agama agak terkemuka dalam Malaysia. Di-kolej-kan di kolej swasta berjenama antarabangsa. Malangnya drop out selepas semester 1. Di-kolej-kan semula di kolej swasta menurut kemampuan ibu bapa. Kerjaya pertama di syarikat hakmilik sang cina banyak harta.

Family aku terdiri dari seorang ayah yang cool, muka sentiasa tenang, berjiwa kental. Emak yang garang, tegas, banyak motivasi. dan empat lagi ahli keluarga 2 kakak dan 2 abang.

Kawasan perumahan aku cumalah taman perumahan biasa, ada melayu india cina dan beberapa bangsa lain. Hidup kami harmoni tanpa sebarang permasalahan yang mungkin membawa peperangan.

Sekolah rendah aku cuma sekolah kerajaan biasa. Tidak ada kelebihan malah juga tak ada apa apa kekurangan. Sekolah biasa kanak kanak muda yang baru nak menjejak kaki ke dunia.

Sekolah menengah agama. Dari tingkatan satu hingga empat. Namun aku bukan hasil terbaik dari kalangan ciptaan sekolah agama. Nothing fancy I usually say.

Kolej pertama, kolej antarabangsa. Ada nigerian, ada chinese, ada japanese. Aku cuma seorang student melayu yang cuma go with the flow dan berkawan sekadar teman biasa.

Kolej kedua, kolej semi-kerajaan. Tidak ada yang perlu dibanggakan tentang kolej tersebut. Kolej biasa dengan pihak atasan yang seperti lembu ditarik hidung. Aku tak pernah bangga.

Kerja pertama sebagai kuli batak di syarikat sang cina hartawan. Syarikat pelancongan yang hanya dikunjungi rata rata golongan atasan. Aku bahagia dengan rakan disana, tapi benci dengan orang atasan yang kaki kipas tanpa batasan.

di mana letaknya konfiden yang orang selalu perkatakan? kalau aku ada sifat yakin diri yang tinggi, pasti aku bukan begini. Jangan kau ujar, aku hebat. kerana tak ada maknanya aku hebat. Aku cuma sorang makhluk Allah yang syukur dengan segala pemberian tuhan.

Saat aku perlu pergi, jangan kau tarik tangan aku lagi.

Saat aku masih disini, jangan kau halau aku pergi.

Saat aku masih sayang, aku akan tunggu disini.

Saat kau milikku, kau akan terus aku sayangi.

Saat kau punah musnah, aku ambil kau jadi milikku.

Ketahuilah, segala apa yang aku lakukan, aku lakukan untuk kau.

Selamat malam sayang.

P/s: happy april fool everyone. Tajuk xde kena mengena isi, intro xde ken mengena dgn endtro.

Sent by Maxis from my BlackBerry® smartphone

Wishful Thinking

Go to hell with wishful thinking.
Go to hell with fairy godmother.
Go to hell with plan further.
Go to hell with great motivation.

I shall pray for those who failed.
I shall grief for those who suffer.
I shall say sorry to those I hurt.
I shall surrender to those who conquer.

For I am not a lord,
For I am not an angel.
For I am not a perfectionist.
For I am not a minister.

I'm a normal human being with salts on my wound.
I'm a fucking bitch who suck cocks and balls.
I'm a freaking loser who kick peoples ass.
I'm a lone ranger with burdens on my shoulder.

Thanks for making me feel like this.

Sent by Maxis from my BlackBerry® smartphone

Silver Lining

What the fuck is silver lining?

Who the fuck invent silver lining?

Why the fuck is everyone hoping for a silver lining?

When the fuck does silver lining come and save your ass?

Where the fuck can you find your silver lining?

How the fuck that you believed in silver lining?

Silver lining is just an idiom, a metaphor so that you never look down and fall. It is just another fucking words to screw your life. It is just another reason for you to do thing on your own fucking way and regret it afterwards. Don't you notice that?

You don't need silver lining. Silver lining is just another bullshit to make you calm down and stop the hell of your rants. Silver lining is just another piece of crap to make you smile and keep on hoping. And hope is just another bullshit!

Stop ranting and do something to make you happy. Don't wait for silver lining to come. Because obviously, this silver lining shit is taking me away from you.

Just so you know, your life is made of pure gold and platinum.

Be careful for what you wish for, coz you might just get it.

I'm here for you friend. Just stop bullshitting.

(-_-")

Sent by Maxis from my BlackBerry® smartphone

Pendirian

Kadang kadang aku sendiri tak tahu apa yang aku up kan kat blog ni. Macam bodoh pon ada gak kadang kadang. Kenapa aku post kat blog ni walaupun aku ada twitter untuk luahkan segala harapan dan perasaan. Namun kadang kadang tak mampu rasanya untuk aku delete blog ni. Blog ni wujud sebelum twitter aku wujud. Blog ni lah tempat aku nak senaraikan segala keserabutan minda yang mencemar segala bagai perasaan hampa seribu satu yang mampu racunkan hati tulus muda tanpa memberi sebarang bakti.

Aku suka meletakkan segala macam benda dalam blog ini. Dan sejujurnya aku tak perlu follower, aku berblog untuk kemudahan diri. Supaya satu masa, segala jin ifrit dan syaitan nirrojim dalam hati tak mencalarkan iman yang semakin menipis. Bukan niat aku nak menghalau follower aku. Tapi sejujurnya, andai tak ada orang baca blog ni pun aku tak sedih. Niat aku berblog adalah kerana diary aku selalu di-pecah-baca oleh emak. Kalau disini kebarangkalian untuk emak jumpa adalah sangat rendah.

Ya, blog saya adalah umpama diary yang saya tulis saban hari untuk cerita tentang hidup saya. Malah kadang kala saya post juga foto foto terbaru bagi mencantikkan permukaan blog yang sudah sedia cantik. Saya pelacur kamera, malahan saya pelacur dimana saja. Pelacur attensi di twitter. Malah pelacur masa di faceboob. Saya juga pelacur minda di dunia. Juga pelacur hati bagi si dia yang saya cinta.

Jangan fikir setiap langkah kecil saya tidak membawa saya kehadapan. Kadang kala langkah kecil lebih membawa makna dari langkah sebesar alam. Namun masih ditakuk lama. Saya mungkin humble, tapi saya bukan serendah tanah. Saya mungkin cakap lebat, tapi saya bukan sekeji pembohong. Saya tiada masalah andai anda mahu cerobohi masa silam saya. Cuma mungkin anda patut terus terang dengan saya. Saya akan cerita semua kisah silam saya samada baik mahupun buruk.

Anda tak percaya? Sila.
Sent by Maxis from my BlackBerry® smartphone

It is not a business

It's great how I felt like moving myself out of my own life. It's great that I finally knew that one smile hides thousands tears. It's great how I suddenly felt the urge to run away from my damn history. It's great how I saw some people judge me by all the things they could only see. It's great to finally noticed that you finally had moved on, leaving me crying at the back alley of our past time.

You know who you are. Don't shed your tears if you saw me lying on the floor, breathless, lifeless. Because this is how you left me some years ago.

Great knowledge comes from a great mind. And great mind like mine is just a pathetic excuse to pretend like I know what you had in mind. Some says I don't need you to live my life. My heart says that all I need is you to tell me that my life is screwed and crooked and there is nothing that I could have change just to make sure that everything will fall on its place.

You know who you are. Don't shed your tears if you saw me lying on the floor, breathless, lifeless. Because this is how you left me some years ago.

I have a life that I thought is a happy life. A happy, independent life. But like always, my mind is just creating a gateway to get away from this whole mind fucking problems and this cock sucker. It was suppose to be a kick start to something new. It was suppose to be a great challenge for people like me, a loser who knelt down before a great majesty. Don't throw me that shit because you know one day, I'll do the same thing to you. I am no beauty, but I have dignity.

You know who you are. Don't shed your tears if you saw me lying on the floor, breathless, lifeless. Because this is how you left me some years ago.

Bring me to the horizon, I want to pee on the wall, and kills some bastards while I'm gone.

P/S: I miss you.


Sent by Maxis from my BlackBerry® smartphone

Lost in the Subway

Where the hell did my feelings went?

I simply don't get the easiness to lose one simple thought, but it was really hard to find a new less simple thought.

I need my lust back. Lust for writing. Anyone knows where can I get it?

P/S: don't ask bout the title. I'm away for a while.

Sent by Maxis from my BlackBerry® smartphone

heaven and dream

I promise that I'll run away with you